Movies and Homeroom

Dear English Answer Man:

When are we going to watch movies in homeroom?

-concerned homeroom student

A fair question, and I'm not really sure. Probably when we switch seats.

Take Away This Call and Chain

Dear English Answer Man: 

What is your opinion on cellphones?

Cellphones are digital choke-chains. They unnecessarily complicate one's life by introducing requests, demands, harassment, boring conversations, and otherwise stressful interactions. In the past, if you didn't want to deal with someone, you could just stay away from them. Now, pretty much anyone--friend, enemy, bounty hunter, strange uncle, etc--can track you down with the flick of a finger. 

Think about it: When is the last time someone called you in order to make your life easier? Maybe once every few hundred calls or so. When people call you, they almost ALWAYS want something from you. They want a ride. They want to know if you can come over. They want to know what time you're going to get there. They want you to listen to their problems. They want to know if you can babysit, go out to lunch, pick up milk, stop at the post office, or look something up on the Internet.

Cell phone servitude. 

"Eu" asked for it.

Dear English Answer Man:

What is the point of the word part "EU"? In the real world, I mean--not the weird, sheltered, hole-in-the-wall existence of an English teacher?

(--question adapted from anonymous)

Well...

EUphemisms--nice way of saying rude things. 

Example: Does my tan look natural? 

Euphemism: Um, yes, you've got a deep golden glow.

The truth: You look like a carton of Sunny D.

Mastery of the euphemism is crucial to succeeding in life, making friends, and influencing people. 

Beautiful Bodies

Dear English Answer Man:

What's the secret to writing the body of an essay?

The trick to body paragraphs is to sculpt and tone, sculpt and tone, sculpt and tone. If you want them to be extra solid, include some CONCRETE details. Plus, it helps to have a strong thesis statement--this is the foundation all fantastic bodies are built upon. 

If you are really having a hard time, find a guy named Jake and have him write the body. I've heard a lot of people have had success using this individual. 

Hopes and Dreams

Dear English Answer Man:

what did you think you would be doing at your age now, when you were in junior high?

-Random Blogger

Ok Random Blogger, the truth is that when I was 13, I was a runty little 4-eyed twerp (still haven't figured out how to ditch the 4-eyed twerpiness). My primary concern was hitting a growth spurt. In the rare moments where I contemplated a career, I figured I would become a professional baseball player, or maybe end up being a lawyer. I never was much of a control freak, but here I am making a living bossing people around, telling them when to sit, when to stand. When to talk. When to eat. When to spit. What to pick up, put away, or remove. And I get paid. I make rules. People follow them. I bestow gifts. I distribute threats. I am the epitome of a benevolent dictator. 

I've come a long way from being bullied and shoved by my 13 year old classmates of yesteryear.

The Art of the Sag

Dear English Answer Man:
Why is that you hardly ever see adults sagging their pants?
--anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
There are two fundamental reasons why you don't see adults sagging their pants. The first has to do with aging and gaining weight. In fact, you may notice that the older we get, the higher we wear our pants. For example, I saw a gentleman just yesterday whose pants were pulled up so high he could have reached over his left shoulder to grab his wallet. The sad fact is that most people gain weight as they get older, and the bigger our bellies get, the more dificult it is to sag pants without having them fall down around our ankles.

The second reason is that it actually takes talent and coordination to walk while sagging the pants below the buttocks. The side-to-side waddle used by most accomplished saggers can take years of practice to master. Experts of the sag will even place a hand near the pocket as they walk, which looks quite natural, and it serves as a last-minute safety in case the waddle fails. Many novices will hone their talent by wearing gym shorts or sweat pants (training pants) below their jeans, just in case they lose the rhythm and pants fall by the wayside. This is the case with one of my neighbor's young friends. Hopefully, he will soon reach the advanced stage where training pants are no longer required.

Most adults, however, don't want to risk the potential embarrassment of losing their shorts in a public place, so they simply resort to wearing pants that actually match their waist measurement. Unfortunately, this is quite lazy, and it demonstrates that many adults are simply unwilling to take risks and learn new talents later in life.

Life Got You Down?

Dear English Answer Man:

Why is it that life has been getting me down?

-submitted by Chinchilla Spice

Chinchilla:

Sometimes the truth hurts, and perhaps that is why it is often so difficult to detect. There are two possible reasons why life is getting you down.

1) You are simply a more interesting person than the people you hang around with. For example, if you make all A's on tests, even one B will bring your percentage down. Imagine the tragic effect a C, a D, or, forgive me for even mentioning it, an F would have on your grade? The same is true of people. The trick is to hang out with the A's. I would venture to guess you've been fraternizing with quite a few C's as of late.

2)You are the sort of person who actually thinks #1 is good advice. Worse, you see yourself as an A, and everyone around you as B's, C's, and D's. Your ego is quite enormous, and in fact it is so morbidly large that it allows no room for meaningful interaction with other people. Compared to you, everyone else is sad, lonely little loser. Life would have me down too if I were you, Chinchilla.  

Thank you, for writing in with that question, and I encourage you to write again soon!

Your Quest Ends Here

Have you been searching for answers? Are you feeling like a lonely wallflower at the dance of life? Does confusion descend upon you like an infectious fog? 

The answer to all of these, of course, is yes.

Submit all your questions by commenting on this post, and marvel as they are answered with the same ease and clarity as those above.