In Defense of the Mullet: No Haircut Has Ever Been Closer to the Truth

It was 1980-something.

David Hasselhoff was launching to stardom alongside his talking car Kit, Billy Ray Cyrus propelled country music into popularity with his achey-breaky heart, and AC Slater redefined "ladies man" within the walls of Bayside High on Saved By the Bell while Uncle Jesse did the same on Full House. Time fails me to tell of Wayne Gretzky, Andre Agassi, and Hulk Hogan, all respectable pop culture icons in their own right. They all wore mullets, and they wore them with dignity and distinction.

In past two decades however, this signature style has plunged from its pedestal--there has perhaps never been a personal grooming trend that meets with more disgust and disdain than the mullet.

How can a hairstyle once so iconic become so universally reviled? Our "progressive" modern culture calls on us to condemn the mullet as hair-care crime. However, I will argue that the hate, fear, and disgust of the mullet is illogical and backward. In fact, those who hate the mullet may suffer from the same ignorance and lack of sophistication that they associate with an innocent hair cut.

Shed your cultural prejudices and immature superstitions for a moment and embrace enlightenment:

 The mullet makes sense. 

We know that the mullet makes sense. It is both natural, and an improvement on nature. Consider this: there are two basic states of hair: short and long. Cosmetology attempts to hybridize the two in an effort to improve personal appearance. Bangs, the ponytail, and even the warrior's braid hint at a basic cultural preference. We like our hair to appear shorter in front, and longer in back. The mullet confronts us with that stark reality, boldly proclaiming what other hairstyles attempt to imitate.

The Ponytail

All ponytail-wearers: Perched atop your head is the essence of the mullet. Yes, your hair is long all over, but you use technology to create the appearance of what the mullet accomplishes naturally. I'm glancing at a woman with blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail as I type this sentence. If I relax my eyes and shed my preconceptions, the mullet emerges: hair pulled tight, short against the skull in the front. Risking another awkward glance, I follow the curve of her dome backward and down, as the long locks of yellow cascade down to the top of her shoulders.

The ponytail is a mullet in disguise.

Bangs

If you have bangs, you have a mullet. The only difference is that with bangs, the party gets started about 6 inches earlier. Short in the front, long in the back. Undeniable truth.

The Logical Extension of the Mullet Principle

Shakespeare may have taken this idea to the extreme: Short in the front Bald in the front was a mark of distinction. Ripping the forehead hair out by the roots takes this business to a whole new level.

Even Nature Bears Witness

Have you ever seen a more regal manifestation of the mullet than a lion's mane? Probably not, and yet we subconsciously suppress our adoration out of a backward cultural superstition. Take moment to admire this magnificent beast, and notice the short tufts of hair at the front as they cascade in amber waves down the torso of the king of the jungle. Deny it all you want, but lions wear mullets.

So why all the vitriol toward the mullet? Why the hate? Why the vilification? Don't trot out a picture of some awkward, out-of-shape goober sporting a mullet and stained t-shirt as justification for your prejudices. The fact is that mullets are everywhere, even though they may be thinly veiled by socially acceptable labels like "bangs" and "ponytails."

The Truth

So what are we so afraid of? Why do we allow a few fellas with missing teeth and a beer belly define how we feel about a hair cut as innocent and influential as the mullet?

Perhaps it's because the mullet confronts us. We cannot hide from it's stark reality, and maybe that is why we hate it so much. It's a reminder of the little lies we tell ourselves, the half-truths and rationalizations that allow us to avoid confronting uncomfortable realities about ourselves and our choices. 

Accepting the mullet requires us to take a cold hard look at ourselves and the world around us. No haircut has ever been closer to the truth.

Photo: Hasselhoff
Photo: Stamos
Photo: Slater
Photo: Ponytail
Photo: Bangs
Photo: Lion
Photo: Shakespeare