Interview with a Mystery Coffee Girl

If I could interview anyone in the world, I would interview a coffee maker. Not like the machine—I mean an actual, live creator of coffee and coffee-based beverages. Lucky for me, I spied a talented young lady—a “Mystery Coffee Girl” at a local coffee shop (actually she was spraying glass cleaner on the front door, much of which was hitting me in the face. I couldn’t help but notice her). I figured at the very least, she owed me an interview. So I asked.

She sort of agreed, but not before volunteering her Justin Bieber-loving coworker for a few questions. Bieber-Fever, as she will be known to readers of this interview was scheduled to see him in concert later that week. I was thrilled--I love anything having to do with that bowl-cutted boy wonder.


English Answer Man: So do I still get to interview you?

Mystery Coffee Girl: Crap. I don’t know anything about anything!

English Answer Man: Hmmm. That’s going to make this difficult. I’ll make some stuff up to ask you about.

10 minutes or so pass while I catch up on some paper work. She thinks I’ve forgotten, until I look over my shoulder and see her sitting at a table. I walk over, and the interview is on!

English Answer Man: So why don’t you like Justin Bieber?

Mystery Coffee Girl: Um because he’s like twelve. I like Justin Timberlake.

English Answer Man: You know he was going to be on the same label right? You’re coworker (Bieber-Fever) here told me all about it.

Mystery Coffee Girl: Um no. But it doesn’t matter. Shouldn’t you be writing this down?

English Answer Man: I’ve got a phenomenal memory.

Bieber Fever: I love JB. I went to his concert, but I couldn’t see him. He’s got such good moves.

English Answer Man: Good moves?

Bieber Fever: Yeah, he’s such a good dancer.

Mystery Coffee Girl: Whatever.

Bieber Fever: If you’ve got a problem, with JB, you’ve got a problem with me.

English Answer Man: How many Justin Biebers do you think you could take in a fight?


Mystery Coffee Girl: I don't know. Probably like, two or three.


Bieber-Fever: No way. Well, maybe. He's kind of sensitive. Someone threw a shoe at him at a concert, and he started crying.


English Answer Man: I'm sorry--did you say he started crying?


Bieber-Fever: Yes. It was at a concert. He's sensitive.
(An intelligent-looking, coffee-sipping smart guy listens in)

Coffee-Sipping Smart Guy: You went to Justin Bieber? What are you 8?

(Bieber-Fever storms off and starts banging dishes and containers in the back.)


English Answer Man: So do you have many awkward social encounters, besides people randomly asking you questions and typing your answers?

Mystery Coffee Girl: Let me think. Yeah, this one guy came in with some miracle glass cleaner stuff, and one of us wiped our fingerprints on the glass so he could show how it worked. His stuff just smeared it everywhere. We all laughed at him and he left. It was sad.

Coffee-Sipping Smart Guy: Yeah, when the whole shop is laughing at you, you don’t really have a leg to stand on.

English Answer Man: You guys are not very nice. Any other pet peeves?

Mystery Coffee Girl Oh. So many. The worst is when people come up to the counter and start making out. There’s this one couple…you know the one I’m talking about?

English Answer Man: No. Sounds like I’m really missing out.

(Bieber Fever is back.)

English Answer Man: What’s so good about Justin Bieber?

Bieber Fever: Have you ever heard of Young Money? Drizzy Drake Rogers?

Mystery Coffee Girl: What grade are you in? Did you graduate?

Bieber Fever: Yeah! I like their music ok?

(Random celebrity gossip follows. I’m having a tough time following.)

Bieber Fever: Please tell me you know who Lil’ Wayne is.

Mystery Coffee Girl: Yes. He’s like Romeo’s Lil’ Bow Wow.

Bieber Fever: No. Like his understudy.

English Answer Man: So what are you an expert on?

Mystery Coffee Girl: Expert is such a big word. How about interests? Traveling, missions…
I’ve been to 23 countries. You want me to list them all?

English Answer Man: How about 10 coolest places you’ve been?

Mystery Coffee Girl: New Zealand, Israel, Greece, Peru, Greece, Turkey, Argentina, England.

English Answer Man: Wow.

Mystery Coffee Girl: You’ve never traveled? How many kids do you have?

English Answer Man: Two. And I’m doing the interviewing here.

Mystery Coffee Girl: Sorry.

English Answer Man: Oh yeah, I’ve been to Canada!

(Bieber-Fever is back.)

Bieber Fever: Justin Bieber’s from Canada!

Mystery Coffee Girl: I don’t like Canada.

English Answer Man: Where would you live, out of all of those?

Mystery Coffee Girl: New Zealand.

English Answer Man: You’d set up shop permanently?

Mystery Coffee Girl: It’s gorgeous. I’ve created relationships. Not fast paced. I guess you could go live in the midwest

Bieber-Fever: Hey, this candy is free, right?

Mystery Coffee Girl: No, it’s five cents. We’re trying to make extra cash.

English Answer Man: You’re selling candy 5 cents to make extra cash?

Mystery Coffee Girl: Yes. We’re hurting right now.

English Answer Man: So you’re not an expert on anything?

Mystery Coffee Girl: I don’t play sports. I taught myself guitar. My job is coffee…And I hate school.

English Answer Man: What do you play?

Mystery Coffee Girl: G G C and E. and one strum.

English Answer Man: You’re not in a band, I take it.

Mystery Coffee Girl:I was in a Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen fan club.

English Answer Man: So you don’t like Justin Bieber, but it’s ok to be in a Mary Kate and Ashley fan club?

Mystery Coffee Girl: I was 12! I had all their books and everything.

More customers trickle in. Mystery Coffee Girl stands up. I type on my laptop.

Mystery Coffee Girl: You’re changing what I say to make me seem more interesting, aren’t you?

English Answer Man: Yes, I am. And thanks for cooperating with me.


Thanks for reading!
And, FYI: