Interview with a Mystery Coffee Girl

If I could interview anyone in the world, I would interview a coffee maker. Not like the machine—I mean an actual, live creator of coffee and coffee-based beverages. Lucky for me, I spied a talented young lady—a “Mystery Coffee Girl” at a local coffee shop (actually she was spraying glass cleaner on the front door, much of which was hitting me in the face. I couldn’t help but notice her). I figured at the very least, she owed me an interview. So I asked.

She sort of agreed, but not before volunteering her Justin Bieber-loving coworker for a few questions. Bieber-Fever, as she will be known to readers of this interview was scheduled to see him in concert later that week. I was thrilled--I love anything having to do with that bowl-cutted boy wonder.


English Answer Man: So do I still get to interview you?

Mystery Coffee Girl: Crap. I don’t know anything about anything!

English Answer Man: Hmmm. That’s going to make this difficult. I’ll make some stuff up to ask you about.

10 minutes or so pass while I catch up on some paper work. She thinks I’ve forgotten, until I look over my shoulder and see her sitting at a table. I walk over, and the interview is on!

English Answer Man: So why don’t you like Justin Bieber?

Mystery Coffee Girl: Um because he’s like twelve. I like Justin Timberlake.

English Answer Man: You know he was going to be on the same label right? You’re coworker (Bieber-Fever) here told me all about it.

Mystery Coffee Girl: Um no. But it doesn’t matter. Shouldn’t you be writing this down?

English Answer Man: I’ve got a phenomenal memory.

Bieber Fever: I love JB. I went to his concert, but I couldn’t see him. He’s got such good moves.

English Answer Man: Good moves?

Bieber Fever: Yeah, he’s such a good dancer.

Mystery Coffee Girl: Whatever.

Bieber Fever: If you’ve got a problem, with JB, you’ve got a problem with me.

English Answer Man: How many Justin Biebers do you think you could take in a fight?


Mystery Coffee Girl: I don't know. Probably like, two or three.


Bieber-Fever: No way. Well, maybe. He's kind of sensitive. Someone threw a shoe at him at a concert, and he started crying.


English Answer Man: I'm sorry--did you say he started crying?


Bieber-Fever: Yes. It was at a concert. He's sensitive.
(An intelligent-looking, coffee-sipping smart guy listens in)

Coffee-Sipping Smart Guy: You went to Justin Bieber? What are you 8?

(Bieber-Fever storms off and starts banging dishes and containers in the back.)


English Answer Man: So do you have many awkward social encounters, besides people randomly asking you questions and typing your answers?

Mystery Coffee Girl: Let me think. Yeah, this one guy came in with some miracle glass cleaner stuff, and one of us wiped our fingerprints on the glass so he could show how it worked. His stuff just smeared it everywhere. We all laughed at him and he left. It was sad.

Coffee-Sipping Smart Guy: Yeah, when the whole shop is laughing at you, you don’t really have a leg to stand on.

English Answer Man: You guys are not very nice. Any other pet peeves?

Mystery Coffee Girl Oh. So many. The worst is when people come up to the counter and start making out. There’s this one couple…you know the one I’m talking about?

English Answer Man: No. Sounds like I’m really missing out.

(Bieber Fever is back.)

English Answer Man: What’s so good about Justin Bieber?

Bieber Fever: Have you ever heard of Young Money? Drizzy Drake Rogers?

Mystery Coffee Girl: What grade are you in? Did you graduate?

Bieber Fever: Yeah! I like their music ok?

(Random celebrity gossip follows. I’m having a tough time following.)

Bieber Fever: Please tell me you know who Lil’ Wayne is.

Mystery Coffee Girl: Yes. He’s like Romeo’s Lil’ Bow Wow.

Bieber Fever: No. Like his understudy.

English Answer Man: So what are you an expert on?

Mystery Coffee Girl: Expert is such a big word. How about interests? Traveling, missions…
I’ve been to 23 countries. You want me to list them all?

English Answer Man: How about 10 coolest places you’ve been?

Mystery Coffee Girl: New Zealand, Israel, Greece, Peru, Greece, Turkey, Argentina, England.

English Answer Man: Wow.

Mystery Coffee Girl: You’ve never traveled? How many kids do you have?

English Answer Man: Two. And I’m doing the interviewing here.

Mystery Coffee Girl: Sorry.

English Answer Man: Oh yeah, I’ve been to Canada!

(Bieber-Fever is back.)

Bieber Fever: Justin Bieber’s from Canada!

Mystery Coffee Girl: I don’t like Canada.

English Answer Man: Where would you live, out of all of those?

Mystery Coffee Girl: New Zealand.

English Answer Man: You’d set up shop permanently?

Mystery Coffee Girl: It’s gorgeous. I’ve created relationships. Not fast paced. I guess you could go live in the midwest

Bieber-Fever: Hey, this candy is free, right?

Mystery Coffee Girl: No, it’s five cents. We’re trying to make extra cash.

English Answer Man: You’re selling candy 5 cents to make extra cash?

Mystery Coffee Girl: Yes. We’re hurting right now.

English Answer Man: So you’re not an expert on anything?

Mystery Coffee Girl: I don’t play sports. I taught myself guitar. My job is coffee…And I hate school.

English Answer Man: What do you play?

Mystery Coffee Girl: G G C and E. and one strum.

English Answer Man: You’re not in a band, I take it.

Mystery Coffee Girl:I was in a Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen fan club.

English Answer Man: So you don’t like Justin Bieber, but it’s ok to be in a Mary Kate and Ashley fan club?

Mystery Coffee Girl: I was 12! I had all their books and everything.

More customers trickle in. Mystery Coffee Girl stands up. I type on my laptop.

Mystery Coffee Girl: You’re changing what I say to make me seem more interesting, aren’t you?

English Answer Man: Yes, I am. And thanks for cooperating with me.


Thanks for reading!
And, FYI:

Eat, Think, Blog

Dear English Answer Man:


I just ate at the worst restaurant of my life! I've been there three times, and every time it's been the same. How do I deal with my frustration?


-a disgruntled food eater

Dear Disgruntled Food Eater:

First of all, you deserve that lousy meal. If it's your third time eating at a crummy place, I have no sympathy for you.

Second of all, write a review of your restaurant, and post it on your blog AND an online site where you can post reviews. I think yelp.com is one such site. Here are some tips for reviewing a restaurant:

• Type of food and price range.
• Is this fast food, buffet-style, restaurant, fine dining, etc.? Also, be sure to inform readers about what type of food is served. Is it Chinese? Mexican? Sushi? BBQ? A combination?

• Food quality.
• How does the food measure up to what you would reasonably expect? For example, don’t slam a fast food place for not providing a high-quality chicken salad.

• Service.
• Consider helpfulness, attitude, promptness, wait-time, etc.

• Décor (furniture, design, layout).
• Also be sure to mention level of cleanliness.

• Ambience and atmosphere(vibe).
• What kind of music is playing? Include a discussion on what the clientele is like. How are people dressed? Is the crowd young and single, families, business folks, college kids, etc? Is it crowded or empty? Is there a rush hour?

Some of these tips were inspired by information retrieved from http://www.epinions.com/content_5187936388

Writing a Concert Review

Not all of us have been to a live show, but those of us who have know it can be an incredible experience, or an incredible waste of money. Either way, a concert provides a perfect opportunity to reflect on music, culture, and  personal interests. Here are a few tips for writing a concert review:

• Start with a hook. Get the reader interested in your topic. 

• Give the date, time, and place. Describe the venue itself, and also the section of the city in which it lies.
• Consider parking, security, safety, transportation, etc.
   
• What makes the concert worth writing about? What was “special” about this particular show?
   
• Review the band. How did they perform? What was their stage presence like? Were they energetic, lazy, funny, etc?
   
• Take some time to discuss the crowd. What ages were represented? What styles? Were they enthusiastic, psychotic, bored, etc? What was the size of the crowd, and what effect did this have on the audience?
   
• Focus on the effect of the entire experience. Think about your emotions before, after, and during the show.

Source:

http://www.ehow.com/how_4514634_review-concert.html

Blog about WHAT??!!

Dear English Answer Man:
Help! What do I blog about?

Heck if I know.

But check out these links--they might help you out. Keep in mind, not all of these will apply to you. Take what you can use.

After checking out these links, maybe you can write your own "20 Blog Post Ideas" article. Do my job for me.

• 12 topics. Ignore the one about "picking a fight."
• More ideas.
• http://www.webuildyourblog.com/2174/10-powerful-post-ideas-build-blogs/

Sick, Twisted, or Totally Normal?

Get a Voki now!


Dear English Answer Man:
Why is it that you have your students read such sick and twisted writers? I mean, in order to come up with this stuff, you would have to be out of your mind. Not you English Answer Man, but the writers. Take Edgar Allan Poe for example--a true psycho.

So what is your problem?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Your question has been asked throughout the ages (or at least the last seven years of my teaching career). Some people believe that if a writer writes a disturbing story, the writer must therefore be disturbed. Only disturbed minds create disturbed content. Others, however, would argue that a perfectly normal, well-adjusted person could easily write something disturbing. Maybe a disturbing story is a way of letting off steam.

So I ask you, adolescent readers of this blog:
How much can you judge the personality of a writer from what he/she writes? Does a psychotic story come from a psychotic author? Or is it unfair to judge an author by the content of his/her stories? Post your thoughts to your blog, and also comment here if you would like. Be sure to give examples from personal experience, authors you may be familiar with, and especially from your new-found knowledge of Edgar Allan Poe.

I look forward to reading your thoughts.

The Answer Man Asks a Question (or two)

Ok ladies and gentlemen--

I know many of you have little idea what to expect from our excursion into the blogosphere, but I have to ask:

What do you envision yourselves posting about for the next eight months? What are you most excited about when it comes to this assignment? What are you dreading? And for those of you who don't care one way or the other, why don't you? What do all of you (personally) hope to get out of this experience?

What? What? What?

So many questions....Now go get cracking on your first post!

Edgar Allan Poe

Dear English Answer Man:

I saw a bald guy wearing a shirt that said: "Poe is my homeboy." What does this mean?

The guy bought the shirt online. The rest you can figure out for yourself, but get started by watching the clip below: